Texan‑born billionaire Elon Musk, appearing as a guest‑host on The Sean Hannity Show (which for one episode was renamed “Musk‑ity Talk”) while Governor Greg Abbott supplied the background music, unveiled a plan so grand it makes the original Star Wars script look like a toddler’s doodle.
“We’re talking tens of thousands of people on the Moon by 2036—enough to fill a small Texas town, only with better gravity and fewer potholes,” Musk said, while sipping a low‑gravity latte that he claimed was “almost as good as Earth’s but with a hint of moon dust.”
The Lunar Metropolis Blueprint: From Crater to Curbside
Musk’s vision for the Moon’s first permanent city, dubbed “Lunopolis”, includes:
- 200‑million‑square‑foot (yes, million) residential towers built entirely out of recycled Falcon 9 booster parts. He says the boosters “make great bricks when you’re tired of boring concrete.”
- Four hundred Starbucks—one on every block—so that every citizen can experience the truly universal pain of waiting in line while floating 238,855 miles above Earth.
- A mandatory “Space‑Gym” where residents will spend three hours daily on treadmills that spin at 1.6 g to prevent bone loss, and a compulsory “moon‑walk” marathon that doubles as a city‑wide traffic jam.
- An orbital AI satellite network dubbed “Neural‑Nelson” to stream the latest memes directly to the craters, because what’s a city without a constant flow of cat videos beamed from thin air?
“Think of it like a Texas suburb, but with no morning rush hour—just a constant, gentle drift toward the horizon,” Musk explained, gesturing to a 3‑D hologram of a moon‑shaped high‑rise that resembled a giant avocado.
The “Mars‑Town” Side‑Project: Because Why Stop at One Rock?
If the Moon is the new Texas, Mars will be the new Oklahoma, according to Musk’s five‑year “Mars‑Town” timeline, which includes:
- A launch window that aligns perfectly with your astrologer’s recommendation—no more “when planet X is in retrograde” excuses.
- Two thousand “Mars‑Malls” where shoppers will buy everything from Martian air to the latest Tesla‑type space suits, all while the ambient scent of rusted iron permeates the air.
- A daily reality‑show called “Survivor: Red Planet” where contestants survive on a diet of algae, bug protein, and the occasional astronaut’s lost left sock.
Musk assured listeners that “Mars will have more jobs than the Moon—because you need people to fix all the things that broke on the way there.”
Texas Gets a “Terafab” on the Moon
In a twist that would make a plot of The Simpsons jealous, the Texas government and SpaceX announced a “Terafab”—a 100‑million‑square‑foot semiconductor factory that will be built on the Moon’s far side, powered by a combination of solar panels, nuclear beaming, and the occasional goat‑powered generator (the goats are being trained on a ranch in Grimes County). The facility, according to the state, will create 2,000 jobs for Texans who are “willing to commute 380,000 km twice a week.”
“When we said we wanted to attract tech talent, we didn’t mean we’d have to send them to a place where no Wi‑Fi exists,” Governor Abbott quipped, before promptly tweeting a selfie with a lunar rover and the caption, “Just another day at the office.”
The “Space‑Gym” Legalese
To fund the mandatory Space‑Gym, the state will levy a “Zero‑Gravity Fitness Tax” of 7% on all lunar real estate transactions. Residents will also be required to sign a waiver stating, “I understand that my bones may feel strange, my hair may grow in reverse, and I will not sue SpaceX if my neighbor’s drone accidentally lands on my balcony and steals my pork ribs.”
An anonymous source from the Texas Space Commission (who insisted on being called “Captain Cosmic”) said, “We are fully prepared for any legal challenges. Our attorneys have already filed a lawsuit against the Moon for not providing a reliable electrical grid.”
Historical Track Record: A Timeline of “Soon”
Musk’s predictions echo his previous promises, each arriving at the exact moment when the universe decided to mock him:
- 2011: “Mars is ten years away.” Result: The only thing that left Earth was the new Twitter meme about his optimism.
- 2020: “Starship will be a fully reusable orbital launch vehicle by 2022.” Result: A prototype crashed into a Texas barn, which later became a museum exhibit called “Future of Farming.”
- 2024: “First crewed lunar landing in 2025.” Result: NASA’s Artemis III still waits for a launch pad that isn’t haunted by previous failed attempts.
When asked about these missed deadlines, Musk shrugged and said, “Time is a construct, and we’re on a different timeline—specifically, the one where you can binge‑watch The Expanse while waiting for us to get off the ground.”
The Real Reason: Everybody Needs a New Vacation Destination
At the end of the interview, Musk revealed the true motivation behind colonizing the Moon and Mars: the vacation industry. He explained that the Earth’s beaches are “overcrowded with people who think they’re unique for building sandcastles.”
“If we give folks a chance to retire on a crater with a view of the Earth, they’ll finally stop arguing about whose county has the best BBQ,” he said, noting that the first Moon BBQ will be served on a grill powered by solar‑fried moon rocks. “And the best part? No mosquitoes.”
Bottom Line
If Musk’s plan works, the 2030s will see more people on the Moon than on any single American state—except maybe Wyoming, which is already used to being compared to a “big empty space.” The lunar city will be a shining example of American ingenuity, corporate tax incentives, and the unstoppable force of a billionaire’s optimism (and possibly delusions).
Meanwhile, back on Earth, Texans will continue to argue over whether the “Space‑Gym” counts as a gym for the purposes of the state’s “Fit for Life” program, while Governor Abbott will proudly announce that the new lunar “Terafab” will bring “real jobs, real growth, and perhaps a few more craters for the hobbyist geologists.”
So buckle up, folks. In ten years you might be able to send a postcard from the Moon that reads, “Wish you were here—no Wi‑Fi, but the view is great and the coffee is out of this world.”
Disclaimer: No actual lunar real estate has been sold, no goats have been trained for space, and the “Space‑Gym” will not be recognized by any existing health insurance provider. All references to “marshmallows” and “terraforming” are metaphorical.